Judgement.

okay.
warning, this is a late night-I-wish-I-was-with-someone-ramble.
stuart, if you are reading this, just don't =P


So, I was thinking
( consciousness says;" oh god this is how they all start...")
about thinking, I suppose.
how we are all our own most harsh critique of our own work,
 and how we look,
about everything we do and say,
how well we do,
in life,
in work,
i school....
and we punish ourselves enough for our actions and mistakes more often than not,
with our own guilty and emotional stress we place on ourselves with regret, remorse and chagrin.

but how strange is it, because, we are never actually a very good judge of ourselves?
I don't know how to say this...we never really realise who we are for ourselves, I think.

do you understand?
we never really figure out our own style,
or how we work best,
what we are best at,
what kind of people we are,
where we fit....

don't you think?

so strange.

So, I don't know...
that's why I don't mind, hell,
I appreciate it when people tell me what they think of me, but only if they are honest, else there really sin't much point....



So, I can't say I have had a huge amount of stuff going on,
it just takes up all of my emotional energy and thinking caoacuty,
since I din't really understand much of it.

I know I am changing a lot right now,
and I don't think I am cioping very well...

I am not sure

and that scares me, a lot.

how ever, the part that scares me most, is that a small part of me,
and what's worse is it appears to be growing,
doesn't care, how I am changing, or who i am....

and that scares the hell out of me.

the one thing, I have always prided myself on, is being a good person.
and I have always known that, to the depths of who i am,

and part of me worries,
that if I am any more, or at least,
for much longer.....



okay. sorry, I just needed to get that out,
and I am little sorry for you if you read all that...

#note , for Stuart, I am not really sure why I write "do not read." I know you don't appreciate "drama",

and that I don't understand.
I don't think I understand what you call the concept of " drama"
I think I see it more as living, whilst having emotions switched on.
for a long time I didn't, and couldn't, and I was horrified by it, by who I was....
but now...
I think I was wrong like that.

but I don't understand why you can't listen to someone's problems and juts be bored or annoyed by it, that someone wouldn't feel compassion and empathy for them, to do something?
that to me is wrong.
I would, ( and do, when  get the option )
sit and read and talk to my friends who share their troubles and problems, and all the little nitty-gritty of life and living in all its'f forms.

and i think that's how you get to know people, how strong friendships are made, by showing that you care,.....

hell, i know some may sad it's sad and cliche,

but hell, I really don't care what those emotionally dead people with no sympathy or compassion think.


wow, oxymoron much re-reading that? XD

I think its just when i hear someone say
"oh they were being all dramatic over such and such,
 omg I am so over it from them! I wish they would just shut up
they talk about so much crap!"

that, really hurts me. and annoys me.

wow, if you are still reading this, **high five**
because you're freaking amazing and I love you! <3

and I am sorry that you are so bored,
or possibly so skilled at procrastination =P

anyways, I need some sleep.
although I know I probably won't, my sleep has been doing weird things lately!

sorry again for long post, it's been a while, so I thought I should make up for it =P

I love you =)  <3

Listening to ; Is It True? - Yohanna