lazy

still feeling sluggish and wanting to curl up in bed!

but oh well.

I have work at least tomorrow!

and tesltra person should come 

and install internet at our house!

should. bah!

I have been swimming a lot lately, 

and working, which means that 

of course I have seen lots of people 

I used to swim and compete against 

not that long ago when I swum competitively

and I am never sure to say hello or not,

I even work with a few I used to race against.

one is really nice, he's a cool guy.

the others...not so warm towards me apparently?

argh, I guess that's why I never quite went 

the whole nine yards with swimming.

I never quite fitted in with everyone else.

I was never very well...

liked by everyone, or real friends with them, I suppose.

and now they all see me training so hard again, 

if i keep up my regime, in a few months 

I should be almost back to top form I was when I quit.

and I don't know what I'll do then.

but I know this.

the one thing that helped me get over being 

such a loner in swimming 

was that I knew I enjoyed it, that I trained harder than anyone else, 

that I was a disciplined and as dedicated as any other to it.

although I did not have as much money to 

spend on gym and lots of proper food 

or  for race entry fee's as everyone else.

but  I was never great in the races anyway.

although I trained as hard , if not harder,

than everyone else in training.

I don't know.

I think I just didn't quite have the natural talent of the others.

or, I think I was scared of them. I mean of course

I was scared of those I raced against. and I didn't get

 that adrenalin rush or huge competitive streak they all had.

so when it came to big races I never did very well.

I mean by my times i should have won, but when it 

came to a big race I could never quite

 put myself mentally or physically up to it.

So, to everyone who ever feels scared of worried 

about having to push yourself against others,
here is one tidbit of advice that was the one thing

 that stopped me being a complete and

 total failure when it came to racing ;

"There really isn't much difference between an angry mob screaming abuse and booing at you,

and an adoring and cheering crowd. They're both just making a lot of noise. 

convince yourself they're cheering for you,
and someday they will."